Job: Director
Birthplace: Germany, yeah defiantly Germany
Unholy Mission: To ruin the chances for video games to be considered a legitimate art form.
Movies he is Responsible for:
- House of the Dead (2003)
- Alone in the Dark (2005)
- BloodRayne (2005)
- In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)
- Postal (2007)
- BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2007)
- Far Cry (2008)

Uwe Boll is the worst director of films in history. This is not embellishment or a hyperbole, but fact. He is easily the worst thing to come out of Germany in the past century. His many projects speak more about the state of our society with their very existence than police brutality, partial birth abortions, and Nickleback combined. To say that he lacks talent would not be an understatement, but flat out false. He is talent anti-matter, a talent black hole if you will. Those who approach him lose any semblance of skill and self respect. Even a thousand chimps on a thousand typewriters can eventually produce something worth watching, such as the case of Paul W.S. Anderson and Event Horizon. Uwe Boll does not employ a thousand chimps. Instead he uses one autistic baboon with an inner ear disorder to violently fling its own filth at a poster board. He then transcribes the results to film.






Biography

There are many possibilities to how Uwe Boll came onto this planet. Some of the world's top scientists, psychics, and shamans have provided a few of the most possible theories we have come up with thus far.

Theory Number One
The scientific explanation

Uwe Boll was spawned in an amniotic vat in a secret German lab ran by the remaining Gestapo. They were attempting to create the perfect soldier, as they always seem to be doing, when something went terribly wrong. The lab was sabotaged and the vat that held the first few cells that would become Uwe Boll was compromised. A head of cabbage, a soiled pair of men's undergarments, a dead rat and inordinate amounts of gin were thrown in. The fetus not only survived the exposure, it seemed to thrive. Once it had fully developed it was removed. It was hideous and considered a failure immediately, but its was kept to study further. The doctors called the child Ewe Bowel, German for 'Skid Mark' because of his appearance and aroma. The child was kept in a cell and forced to watch techno music videos and deviant porn (German PBS). He was subjected to a battery of tests, one of which was writing a story. The scientist who read what he wrote developed migraines and violent nose bleeds. Understanding the power the child possessed, the Gestapo fixed his brain with an automatic shutdown switch, erased his memories and released him to the general public. The German government now supports him and his film career in attempts to diminish the cultures of all other countries with the siege engine that is the film career of Uwe Boll.

Theory Number Two
The biblical explanation

Uwe Boll was born into a normal German family, (Whatever that means). At some point during his child hood he made the decision to become a director of film. As he applied himself to the art form he slowly learned that his own innate lack of talent was barring him from living out his dream. No studio would fund his obviously doomed projects because they were all laced with box office arsenic. His only remaining option was to strike a deal with Satan. The conditions of the agreement were that Uwe Boll would get a seemingly infinite source of revenue so that he can make as many films as he wanted even if they did not make dollar one. His abilities would not be increased but his movies would be permeated with a dark power, a godless power. Another stipulation was that Uwe had to send as many souls as he could to his new master through ritualistic suicide, which is what happens at the premier of all of his films.

The Problem

Uwe Boll has found his niche in the realm of bringing video games to the silver screen. His many attempts at creating cinema have left the video game industry and the movie industry at odds with one another. With people like Jack Thompson and Tipper Gore running from PR event to PR event spurting nonsensical bullshit out of their mucky assholes, the video game industry is going to need some help in order to be considered another art form. As long as Uwe Boll is making movies, video games will always be considered a crass and juvenile medium.

There are two explanations for why Uwe Boll is choking the life out of the industry. One is that he hates video games and all they represent. He is determined to keep them down with every breath of his body. The second explanation is that he loves them so much that he can help but pick them up with his massive, talentless hands and squeeze them until they go limp. Either way he must be stopped.